This is the lake (looking pretty murky at the moment) where we spread the ashes of our babies exactly one year ago. It was the first day I had been back to the spot since that horrible time, I am afraid to say. I just could never muster up the strength to visit this year. Luckily my mom loves visiting the spot and marked it by writing the babies’ initials on a tree stump and this angel wing rock she found. She hid the rock near the shore last fall and found it buried a bit into the ground but still intact. The picture below is her holding the wing.
I was definitely nervous about how this week would feel and how emotional it would be. As the day approached I felt surprisingly fine and only shed tears very briefly. Turns out I must have been suppressing some serious emotions though.
Starting with last Thursday or Friday (I can’t remember which) I work up with pretty bad chest pain. It felt a little like when you fall asleep in a twisted position and stay that way for too long so I figured I just slept wrong and it would go away soon. It did not go away, and it kept getting worse. I tried taking an antacid, but knew that it wasn’t how heartburn normally felt for me. It did nothing. I took various painkillers…nothing. I was starting to worry it was asthma (this runs in my family) because I noticed it was much worse while breathing in. Then my mother in law and future sister in law told me they once had something that sounded very similar called pleurisy and it just took a good antibiotic to resolve.
The day we honored the triplets, we went to church, visited the lake with our immediate family, and then gathered for a lunch at my parent’s house. We also planted a small oak tree that was given to us by my husband’s coworkers after we lost the triplets last year. It was a wonderful day and emotionally I was actually very much at peace. I felt like I was to the point where I could be thankful for the time I had with the babies and was so happy to be spending time with my family on such a nice day. My chest did hurt though..a lot.
After lunch was served and the tree planted, the husband and I went to urgent care to get this taken care of. After doing some investigating, the doctor was quite convinced it was anxiety. I have had issues with anxiety in the past. It has been several years since I had a panic attack and they felt a lot different than this. Usually I got a tightness in my chest, but the biggest symptom was the sensation that my throat was closing up. These also only last an hour or so, tops. A lot different from what I was experiencing. I left with a prescription for Xanax and honestly was not convinced it would do anything.
As directed by my doctor, I took one pill immediately. There was no improvement. She suggested I may need two because she wasn’t sure what to use for the dose so when I woke up the next day I took two and called in sick for work (2 of those suckers made me feel super woozy). This was the charm. My pain was almost entirely resolved. I have continued taking them as needed this week. The pain improves every day, and it feels really good to have a medical issue that was diagnosed and basically “resolved” in such a short amount of time. Very unusual for me.
I put “resolved” in quotes because although I am much better, I still have some pain if I don’t take a Xanax. I obviously cannot continue to take this drug regularly because it makes it difficult to function. I am trying to figure out whether this is just something because of the babies’ birthdays, or if I need a more permanent solution now. I definite want to be at peace during this FET…