happy birthday babies

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This is the lake (looking pretty murky at the moment) where we spread the ashes of our babies exactly one year ago. It was the first day I had been back to the spot since that horrible time, I am afraid to say. I just could never muster up the strength to visit this year. Luckily my mom loves visiting the spot and marked it by writing the babies’ initials on a tree stump and this angel wing rock she found. She hid the rock near the shore last fall and found it buried a bit into the ground but still intact. The picture below is her holding the wing.

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I was definitely nervous about how this week would feel and how emotional it would be. As the day approached I felt surprisingly fine and only shed tears very briefly. Turns out I must have been suppressing some serious emotions though.

Starting with last Thursday or Friday (I can’t remember which) I work up with pretty bad chest pain. It felt a little like when you fall asleep in a twisted position and stay that way for too long so I figured I just slept wrong and it would go away soon. It did not go away, and it kept getting worse. I tried taking an antacid, but knew that it wasn’t how heartburn normally felt for me. It did nothing. I took various painkillers…nothing. I was starting to worry it was asthma (this runs in my family) because I noticed it was much worse while breathing in. Then my mother in law and future sister in law told me they once had something that sounded very similar called pleurisy and it just took a good antibiotic to resolve.

The day we honored the triplets, we went to church, visited the lake with our immediate family, and then gathered for a lunch at my parent’s house. We also planted a small oak tree that was given to us by my husband’s coworkers after we lost the triplets last year. It was a wonderful day and emotionally I was actually very much at peace. I felt like I was to the point where I could be thankful for the time I had with the babies and was so happy to be spending time with my family on such a nice day. My chest did hurt though..a lot.

After lunch was served and the tree planted, the husband and I went to urgent care to get this taken care of. After doing some investigating, the doctor was quite convinced it was anxiety. I have had issues with anxiety in the past. It has been several years since I had a panic attack and they felt a lot different than this. Usually I got a tightness in my chest, but the biggest symptom was the sensation that my throat was closing up. These also only last an hour or so, tops. A lot different from what I was experiencing. I left with a prescription for Xanax and honestly was not convinced it would do anything.

As directed by my doctor, I took one pill immediately. There was no improvement. She suggested I may need two because she wasn’t sure what to use for the dose so when I woke up the next day I took two and called in sick for work (2 of those suckers made me feel super woozy). This was the charm. My pain was almost entirely resolved. I have continued taking them as needed this week. The pain improves every day, and it feels really good to have a medical issue that was diagnosed and basically “resolved” in such a short amount of time. Very unusual for me.

I put “resolved” in quotes because although I am much better, I still have some pain if I don’t take a Xanax. I obviously cannot continue to take this drug regularly because it makes it difficult to function. I am trying to figure out whether this is just something because of the babies’ birthdays, or if I need a more permanent solution now. I definite want to be at peace during this FET…

the $&?&ing PIO

I have a post planned to discuss the interesting and very unexpected way the triplets’ birthdays impacted me, but in the meantime let’s talk about how much progesterone in oil injections suck, again.

After I found out that my fresh IVF cycle resulted in a BFN, I began exercise again (yoga). However more recently I added running/walking to the mix. I was very disconcerted to find that when I jog the right side of my bottom hurts. Today I went for a walk and it is now officially throbbing. The only thing I can think to attribute this to is some type of muscle damage due to the repeated stabbing of PIO.

Has anyone else heard of something like this? It’s been 6 weeks since I last had the shot so it’s crazy to think my bum is still hurt from them! Not looking forward to starting those again very soon…baseline is tomorrow…

birthdays

In one week it will be the one year anniversary of the days our babies were born and died. As this time approaches, emotions obviously are running high. I feel like we need to do something amazing to recognize them, but know that nothing will ever be good enough. Nothing will fill those holes that are in our hearts.

It kills me to even have to think about this. It feels so unfair to think about how I want to celebrate the short lives of my three babies. I recognize this feeling from when we were trying to plan their memorial service. I just kept procrastinating because I didn’t even want to think about it. My brain just could not process the pain of planning a memorial for three babies.

I know I want to spend the day with family. I also know I don’t want it to be a somber feeling day. Yes I will definitely feel great sadness, but I do not want that to be the dominant emotion for the day. I would like to feel hope and happiness for the little time we had with them.

For now the plan is a picnic with immediate family where we spread their ashes. No clue what else we will do, this is where I lose it. I’m starting to think we will just wing it…

facebook

It seems as though the members of the infertility world have varying tolerances for pregnancy and baby related Facebook posts made by their friends. For me, it varies day by day. Sometimes I get really annoyed by them, but mostly I am totally fine. It seems the posts that usually annoy me the most are those that involve flat out bragging about easy pregnancies and losing all of the “baby weight” quickly (with the triplets, I gained 30 lbs by 20 weeks and it took me a full 6 months of busting my ass to get rid of that weight). Call me bitter and vain, but it was pretty horrible to leave the hospital with nothing but 20 extra pounds (I lost ten of the pounds with delivery). The months after delivery were a constant battle of dealing with my losses and fighting so hard to feel good about myself again.

In the last few weeks, I discovered what I think is the most annoying of all Facebook posts made by the “fertiles”. Those requesting that we vote for their baby for “the cutest baby picture in the world” on some random website.

Really? You are seriously doing this. I’m sorry, but every parent thinks their baby is the cutest in the world and these contests are just ridiculous.