go time

Alright everyone, it’s cycle day 3 and we are officially kicking off lucky transfer #3! I’m back on the Estrace 4 times daily and we have a lining check next Sunday and a transfer date of 11/9/2012 if everything goes well.

Now for the big question…one embryo or two. Back when we started IVF we were certain that we would do a single embryo transfer for the fresh cycle and then maybe put two in for the frozen ones if that first try didn’t work. We chickened out on transfer #2 and only did one again. We honestly didn’t think we would get to the point where we would actually need to really figure this out. So naive. Well here we are. We have less than two weeks to make a crazy difficult decision that could have a serious impact on our sanity and wallet. I know for most people it would seem pretty obvious to put two in. After what happened with the triplets, I am scared to death of carrying more than one baby. Even one baby will be scary. The thought of doing a reduction makes me sick, but if it comes down to that and it is what my doctor strongly advises us to do, I most likely would. I just really really do not want to.

Anyways, so we are in information gathering mode, trying to come up with as much knowledge as possible to aid us in this decision. We have the opinion and statistics from our RE and next week will be discussing it with the maternal fetal medicine doctor who cared for us with the triplets and who will be my high risk doctor for my next pregnancy no matter how many babies we have. Get ready to give me your advice next week when I will lay out more information than anyone will probably want to hear after this appointment.

Thanks for all of the love lately too…your comments are awesome!!

hopeless

Well it’s official folks, I no longer expect that IVF is going to work for us. Call me dramatic. Call me negative. Call me bitter, but it’s true. I went into the process certain we would get results. Especially once we saw how many high quality blastocysts we had. We still have 22 frozen. That’s a lot, and I totally realize how lucky that makes us, but it doesn’t matter much when I really don’t think I can handle the risk of transferring more than 1 at a time. We will give up long before those are used (we are going to donate what remains).

My husband says he would be stunned if one of the next two cycles doesn’t work. That is how long we are giving this (tentatively). My doctor wants to change the protocol slightly this time, increase the Prednisone so I take it all the way through until my beta. She also strongly recommends transferring two. I honestly don’t think I can do that. It scares the crap out of me, and frankly the last thing I need right now is more anxiety.

We have a backup plan, but it’s an expensive one (as are all backup plans when you have had this many failed cycles). We are prepared and have already started considering and researching using a gestational surrogate. We are incredibly blessed because my cousin volunteered to do this for us. Unfortunately the insurance costs associated with this are insane since most companies will not cover a surrogate pregnancy. I hope my negative attitude doesn’t offend those worse off than us fertility wise, and I know we are lucky to have a strong chance at having a biological child, whether I carry it or not, I’m just not in the greatest place at the moment.

I’m going into embryo transfer three with a very blah attitude and low expectations. I feel like I’m going through the motions at this point, I really thought October was our month…

beta day, wahoo

I have to go in for the obligatory beta this morning. Not looking forward to seeing all the super positive and excited faces of the nurses and doctors until I tell them I know it didn’t work. Then they will likely say it might just have been too early to take an hpt. And I’ll fake smile and nod like “yeah maybe you’re right”.

Lets just hope we don’t see a repeat of last time where I had a beta of 5 and they made me wait a couple more days (continuing the meds and PUPO protocol) to retest. That sucked.

7dp5dt

Stark white on my test. Not dealing with it so well. It’s so hard to reconcile the fact that we conceived triplets with super high doses of clomid plus injectables but can’t seem to find success with IVF. 😦

6dp5dt

Well the crazies are kicking in. Congrats to Belle and Courtney (sorry for not linking, I’m typing this on my iPhone) on their positives!

The last few days have been odd. I’ve had insomnia (even with sleeping aids) and tons of energy. Although it is a very ADD type of energy where my brain goes faster than my body and all I wanted to do was knock things off my to do list. This resulted in me waking up at 1:30am unable to go back to sleep so instead I organized all of our clothes for goodwill, de-pilled a bunch of sweaters and steamed my work clothes. WTF. This went on until 4am, at which point I was planning to go walk on the treadmill but the hubby begged me to try to sleep again.

This morning I was super amped that I slept through until 5am (thank you double dose of ambien) but that is still an hour before I need to be up. Needless to say I am completely dragging today thanks to these escapades. Feeling slightly nauseous, extremely tired, and the brain and body are both moving very slow. I would love to blame this on pregnancy, but let’s be real- it’s because of my sleep schedule.

Anyways, hoping to hold out on testing until this weekend still. I’m going with the notion that ignorance is bliss this cycle…

pupo yo

It’s official, I am pregnant until proven otherwise! Transfer went well. We put back one day 5 high quality embryo. It’s the husband’s birthday so we are planning a low key afternoon and then dinner at our favorite restaurant. I’ll be sure to update once the two week wait crazies officially kick in!

Beta is on the 22nd!

all set for FET!

Yesterday I had my lining check…looking good at 7.86mm (they wanted 7mm or more at this point). The ovaries are nice and “quiet”, so we are all set for our embryo transfer next Thursday…my husband’s birthday! Hopefully that is good luck! We are transferring just one again..if this cycle fails, we are prepared to seriously consider two…but it’s NOT going to come down to that! This IS going to work!!

Beta is scheduled for October 22. I’ll be testing on Sunday the 21st for sure, not sure whether the TWW madness will involve early testing this cycle or not….