how’s it goin?

Thanks for the responses to my depressing account of events on Wednesday. I still have a hard time believing this many things can go wrong for a person, but I know I am not alone. I couldn’t help but wonder these last few days as I lay around doing nothing in an effort to recover whether God is sitting up there thinking to himself “how many signs do I have to send you that this is not your path?!?”. And he must be thinking we are the most stubborn people ever. I want so badly to just give up and move on to surrogacy, but I know how expensive that is and in the end there is still a decent chance (statistically speaking) that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term. The only definitive limit we have on this is another miscarriage. One more and it’s over….moving on to surrogacy. As for how many failed FETs we can handle, or other unforeseen obstacles, I guess that remains unknown.

Anyways, the point of this post is to discuss how frustrating and depressing it is to field answers to simple things like “how are you doing?”, or “what’s new with you guys?”. I know I’m preaching to the choir when I say that it feels like my life revolves around infertility, but how much of this horribly depressing story do I share with people? My automatic response to these questions is “good” and “not much” but those are so far from true lately I feel like I am telling a huge lie when I say that. And people who know even a little bit about what we have been through sometimes look at me weird when I say those responses because I am sure they know it cannot be true. With friends I feel like I can be a bit more honest, but at this point I am starting to feel like the negative person that drags everyone down. Every update on my life lately is pretty depressing and I hate having only bad news when I meet up with friends. And I hate that pretty much every conversation eventually turns into discussing my infertility treatments. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could at least pretend my life didn’t revolve around this?


no words

Things have been rough lately. The shock of my last miscarriage wore off and I began a serious pity party for myself a few weeks ago. I think this was triggered by the MTHFR diagnosis and stress at work. Needless to say its been rough I was feeling like this must be rock bottom after everything we have gone through the last two and a half years.

Yesterday’s surgery proved me wrong. This $h1t show can best be described with bullet points:
– arrive at the hospital two hours before my hysteroscopy and removal of tissues is scheduled to begin. Get checked in and put in a pre-op room.
– commence unexpected nervous breakdown. I’m guessing it was from being nervous about the procedure, but mostly just a continuation of my pity party that I have to go through this at all.
– anesthesiologist and surgeon come in to talk with us, they are both very nice and understanding, so they made me feel slightly better.
– get wheeled to the OR, commence unexpected breakdown #2. Can’t wait for the drugs.
– thankfully, I fall asleep on the table and remember nothing. Unfortunately I got some bad news once I arrived in the recovery room.
– while the surgeon was removing the tissue, apparently she went a little too far into my lining and I now have a 2-3mm hole in my uterus. A HOLE in my uterus! NOT good for someone trying to get pregnant.
– because of this hole, they had to do an emergency laparoscopy and put me under general anesthesia (which I have never had before) to make sure no damage occurred to any other organs. Everything looks good.
– except they find endometriosis. Another diagnosis to add to my incredibly depressing infertility resume. At least I’m already doing IVF so this should not impact me.
– I am discharged around 6 hours after surgery feeling woozy, in pain, and extremely thirsty but with Vicodin in hand
– once home, I continue chugging water as instructed. Attempt to go to the bathroom. Nothing happens.
– a couple hours later I attempt again. Still nothing.
– we call the nurse and she says I should go into the ER, apparently this is somewhat common with general anesthesia. The medication causes the bladder muscle to not function.
– at the ER I expect to get a straight catheter and then be sent on my way. Wrong. I get a catheter alright…and a urine bag that I get to carry around with me. The doctors and nurses at the ER are very surprised I was discharged without having to prove I can go to the bathroom after surgery.
– the surgeon was not on call so I am instructed to call her first thing this morning so I can get rid of my annoying pee bag.
– oh yeah, I forgot to mention…the ER nurses and PA I worked with acted like I have had a catheter like this before and gave almost no instructions on how to use it. They leave the room so I can get dressed and I realize…wait a second…how am I supposed to get pants on with this? Husband can’t figure it out either. Commence nervous breakdown number three for the day. The nurse comes in and helps me out, and shows us how to switch the bag in the morning to one that straps to my leg so I will be at least a little more discreet. I ask the PA whether it’s normal to feel a slight amount of constant pinching with this, and he seriously says “I don’t know, I would assume that would be normal”. Seriously?!? He didn’t know?!?
– attempt to get some sleep for the night, but awoke at 2:30 am unable to fall back asleep due to the pain. Take 2 Vicodin, does absolutely nothing. Starting to wonder if for some reason this drug doesn’t work for me.

So here I am, at 4:50am, still unable to sleep,reflecting on one of the worst days of my life. I assume this FET will be delayed until my uterine hole has healed up, which is extremely frustrating for me. Hoping this pity party ends soon…