how’s it goin?

Thanks for the responses to my depressing account of events on Wednesday. I still have a hard time believing this many things can go wrong for a person, but I know I am not alone. I couldn’t help but wonder these last few days as I lay around doing nothing in an effort to recover whether God is sitting up there thinking to himself “how many signs do I have to send you that this is not your path?!?”. And he must be thinking we are the most stubborn people ever. I want so badly to just give up and move on to surrogacy, but I know how expensive that is and in the end there is still a decent chance (statistically speaking) that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term. The only definitive limit we have on this is another miscarriage. One more and it’s over….moving on to surrogacy. As for how many failed FETs we can handle, or other unforeseen obstacles, I guess that remains unknown.

Anyways, the point of this post is to discuss how frustrating and depressing it is to field answers to simple things like “how are you doing?”, or “what’s new with you guys?”. I know I’m preaching to the choir when I say that it feels like my life revolves around infertility, but how much of this horribly depressing story do I share with people? My automatic response to these questions is “good” and “not much” but those are so far from true lately I feel like I am telling a huge lie when I say that. And people who know even a little bit about what we have been through sometimes look at me weird when I say those responses because I am sure they know it cannot be true. With friends I feel like I can be a bit more honest, but at this point I am starting to feel like the negative person that drags everyone down. Every update on my life lately is pretty depressing and I hate having only bad news when I meet up with friends. And I hate that pretty much every conversation eventually turns into discussing my infertility treatments. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could at least pretend my life didn’t revolve around this?

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4 thoughts on “how’s it goin?

  1. I tend towards just being a liar. We’ve had a bit of a shitshow January so far this year for a multitude of reasons (illness, a broken foot, a chemical pregnancy) and I’ve only told the WHOLE story to a few people. It seems easier to complain about my husband’s broken foot or my annoying, unrelenting cold than to talk about the “really” hard parts. I dunno… sometimes it helps to talk about it and sometimes it just doesn’t.

    I hope that you don’t have to feel this way for much longer. 😦

  2. Oh gosh. I remember those questions and actually I still feel hesitant to answer honestly now that I have a baby. Because life with a newborn is not usually ‘fine’ or ‘good’. But who wants to rain on the parade? Just know that being honest to those you love and who love you should be okay. I have found that the more I open up about this stuff the more I find some peace. I hope that things only go up from here and that you are healing and finding something to hold on to.

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