busy!

I know it’s been a while since I have updated…things are CRAZY right now. We are closing on the sale of one of our condos and on the house we bought this Friday. We also have been getting a lot of showings for renting out our other condo…we found out today we have a lease signed! We will start moving into our new place on Friday. Luckily our renter doesn’t move in until June 1 so we can take our time moving non-essential items to our new house.

The baby is doing well. I have had a lot of cramping over the last several weeks, but my perinatologist doesn’t seem concerned about that and thinks it is most likely growing pains. I have recently been getting round ligament pain too, which is weird because I never got that with the triplets. Those hurt!

I am 12 1/2 weeks along and am a little embarrassed to admit I have been in maternity pants almost exclusively since around 8 weeks. My waist thickened very quickly this time. I didn’t start gaining weight until the last few weeks, and am up about 5-7 lbs so far. More than I wanted to be at this point, but I am going to blame the prednisone. 🙂

By the way…LOVE not being on prednisone, PIO/endometrin, estradiol, and lovenox anymore!

I am scheduled to get my cerclage next Tuesday. Pretty nervous about that. The doctor is planning to put me under general anesthesia, which I am mostly happy about, but I would like to avoid the whole bladder not functioning problem I had during my nightmare hysteroscopy turned laparoscopy. Let’s hope this goes smoothly…

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a baby and a house

The last few weeks have been stressful, to say the least. Aside from the fear I had over my first ultrasound (will there be a heartbeat? Will it be twins??) we have also been dealing with some living situation changes.

Before getting married my husband and I both owned condos. Once I moved into my husband’s place, we put mine on the market. Where it has remained (on and off) for three and a half years! We have rented it on and off during that time too, trying to not lose too much each month on it. Well last week, after lots of negotiating and long distance phone calls, we accepted an offer on my condo.

We have been casually looking at homes in the area over these last three years as well. We were hoping to find a place once we finally sold my condo and would then rent our current condo until the market gets a little better. We also wanted to capitalize on the low interest rates going on. This is kinda tricky though because I am pretty picky with future homes. We both don’t like moving so we wanted something we would be comfortable in for a long time. We also wanted to find a unique home that has some character, and feels like “home” to us. What we didnt expect was to find it this fast. We found a house we LOVE and put an offer on it just a few days after it was listed. We even got into a bit of a bidding war with another potential buyer. But the seller said she had a good “feeling” about us, so she accepted our offer!

Also, last Friday was our first ultrasound. We were able to get into our high risk MFM specialist for this appointment, and we were so happy to see one healthy, strong heartbeat!! I feel like I am floating lately. These good things will never erase the difficulties we have gone through so far, but it sure feels good to have three huge things go our way, all in ONE week! That is SUCH a change for us.

Obviously a lot could still go wrong with all of these things. I will never feel totally “safe” in this pregnancy, and real estate deals can always fall apart. But for now, I am loving the feeling that things are going our way. I am going to soak it in and enjoy it for as LONG as possible! We have earned it!

this time things are different

With my last pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, I never really felt good about things. I wanted to put my heart in it because worrying is such a waste of time, but something made me be guarded. I knew deep down this wasn’t it.

During the two week wait with the triplets, I had a similar optimism as I did this cycle. I had never been pregnant before and had been trying for over a year, but it felt like it was time and I wasn’t too surprised when I got that positive test. After I found out there were three babies I think I went into a state of shock….one that may never truly go away. I still find myself in disbelief that I carried three babies at once for 20 weeks…and then that I lost them so quickly.

I hope the positive feelings I’ve had this time around continue. I definitely feel better about this pregnancy than the last…one hurdle at a time…

PS: beta #1 at 13dp5dt was 1,174. Holy crap that is high.

back to complaining about PIO

In the epic battle of which fertility medication is making me
the most miserable at the moment, PIO is once again in the lead.

Thanks to the wonderful tip I got last week to do the Lovenox injection extremely slowly, and deciding to ice the area beforehand, that injection is much better for now. I only have two fairly small (although very deep purple) bruises on my belly and the discomfort has decreased.

Oh PIO. I have some seriously large knots in my lower back thanks to these shots. I’m starting to run out of real estate for the injection sites without having to stick the needle straight into a knot. One side is approaching grapefruit size, the other is baseball size. They are seriously making my pants fit tighter, and are visible when I look at my profile in the mirror. They constantly hurt and the bruises are obviously rubbing against my pants all day which does not feel good either. Ugh. I’m such a complainer, but these things stink! I was told that once I get my beta results sent into my primary doctor my insurance will start covering Endometrin. I’m thinking I will replace the PIO with that as soon as we get back from our trip. I have heard that there is potentially some evidence indicating PIO is better for reducing miscarriage risk than Endometrin, but I haven’t seen anything conclusive so I think I’m going to chance it. Does anyone have any insight on this?

5dp5dt: success!

As I mentioned before, my plan was to start testing early because I was so confident in this cycle…my gut was right….this morning at 5dp5dt I got a faint positive! What a great way to kick off our vacation! Now I’m off to sunny Florida!

UPDATE: My RE figured I might as well start the Heparin since we know I’m pregnant so I get to add that to the regimen on this trip. I’m a little nervous about this shot because I have not heard good things. Any tips would be appreciated!

transfer day

We had the transfer this morning, and are continuing to be very optimistic. I have had several dreams in the last couple weeks about positive pregnancy tests, so hopefully they come true. In one of my dreams I went in for a beta at 8dp5dt (my doctor would not let me come in until 10dp5dt in real life though) and the results came back in the 300’s. I remember in the dream being super freaked out about multiples with that high of a beta so early on. It wasn’t even that high with the triplets. Let’s hope that part of the dream does not happen…

As usual I had some mild cramping immediately after the procedure which always makes me nervous, but I’m trying not to let that stress me out. We spent the rest of the day watching comedy movies and relaxing. Next Tuesday I head down to south Florida for a cruise going from Miami, Key West, and to Cozumel. I have been to all of these places except Key West, but I have been to Key Largo many times because I moved to Naples and then Miami after I graduated from my masters program…I used to take trips to the Keys with friends all the time and always had so much fun. I am really excited to meet up with my Florida friends and have a nice relaxing time during the wait to find out if this transfer worked. I have been back in the Mid-West (where I grew up) for five years now and still cannot stand the winters.

From what I have seen in the infertility blog world, it seems like there are generally two camps for when to take pregnancy tests. Some start testing as early as 5dp5dt, others wait until the day of their beta or even skip the HPT altogether and wait for the blood test results. I could never do that, the amount of anxiety waiting to hear from my doctor, and being in a cubical at work with tons of people around and my husband not there would be way too stressful for me. The weird thing with me is that I seem to vacillate from cycle to cycle between being eager to test super early or being too scared to test before 9dp5dt. This time I know I will be testing early. For some reason I just feel like it is the right thing for me this time. Last cycle I was scared out of my mind to test early because I couldn’t bear to see another negative test. I think at this point I am so confident that those feelings have not come up….although this is subject to change over the next few days. 🙂

invincible

There is something weird going on in my head right now. It is blind optimism. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like what happened last month officially put me at rock bottom, or what but I have this very intense certainty that our bad luck ended with that surgery-gone-wrong. I had to schedule a follow up SHG three weeks after the surgery to see if there was any tissue still in my uterus. In my head I was prepared that most likely there would be and I would need another hysteroscopy. I mean it only made sense…what are the chances that the surgeon punctured the hole in my uterus while she was getting the last bit of tissue out? But my gut told me something different. My gut told me everything would be clear. My gut was right.

Now don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t without a bit of drama and a fair amount of pain. The actual procedure for the SHG had to be done twice because the first catheter was faulty. So that was not fun. Then the doctor saw a small piece of tissue and he was fairly certain it was a piece of my lining, but to be sure he poked at it and squirted saline until it broke off. Let’s just say my uterus was not happy yesterday. My husband even looked like he was gonna pass out while they were doing this…which has never happened to him before.

Anyways, so I got to go in for my baseline today and if things go as planned will likely have the transfer around the 21st. We are planning to take a vacation somewhere tropical and warm the following week so hopefully the dreaded wait is a breeze. But this brings me back to the title of this post. I feel certain this transfer will work. Like so certain that I will be SHOCKED if it doesn’t. I have never experienced such optimism with a transfer before…not even with my first one. Let’s just hope my gut is right…

how’s it goin?

Thanks for the responses to my depressing account of events on Wednesday. I still have a hard time believing this many things can go wrong for a person, but I know I am not alone. I couldn’t help but wonder these last few days as I lay around doing nothing in an effort to recover whether God is sitting up there thinking to himself “how many signs do I have to send you that this is not your path?!?”. And he must be thinking we are the most stubborn people ever. I want so badly to just give up and move on to surrogacy, but I know how expensive that is and in the end there is still a decent chance (statistically speaking) that I can get pregnant and carry a baby to term. The only definitive limit we have on this is another miscarriage. One more and it’s over….moving on to surrogacy. As for how many failed FETs we can handle, or other unforeseen obstacles, I guess that remains unknown.

Anyways, the point of this post is to discuss how frustrating and depressing it is to field answers to simple things like “how are you doing?”, or “what’s new with you guys?”. I know I’m preaching to the choir when I say that it feels like my life revolves around infertility, but how much of this horribly depressing story do I share with people? My automatic response to these questions is “good” and “not much” but those are so far from true lately I feel like I am telling a huge lie when I say that. And people who know even a little bit about what we have been through sometimes look at me weird when I say those responses because I am sure they know it cannot be true. With friends I feel like I can be a bit more honest, but at this point I am starting to feel like the negative person that drags everyone down. Every update on my life lately is pretty depressing and I hate having only bad news when I meet up with friends. And I hate that pretty much every conversation eventually turns into discussing my infertility treatments. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could at least pretend my life didn’t revolve around this?

no words

Things have been rough lately. The shock of my last miscarriage wore off and I began a serious pity party for myself a few weeks ago. I think this was triggered by the MTHFR diagnosis and stress at work. Needless to say its been rough I was feeling like this must be rock bottom after everything we have gone through the last two and a half years.

Yesterday’s surgery proved me wrong. This $h1t show can best be described with bullet points:
– arrive at the hospital two hours before my hysteroscopy and removal of tissues is scheduled to begin. Get checked in and put in a pre-op room.
– commence unexpected nervous breakdown. I’m guessing it was from being nervous about the procedure, but mostly just a continuation of my pity party that I have to go through this at all.
– anesthesiologist and surgeon come in to talk with us, they are both very nice and understanding, so they made me feel slightly better.
– get wheeled to the OR, commence unexpected breakdown #2. Can’t wait for the drugs.
– thankfully, I fall asleep on the table and remember nothing. Unfortunately I got some bad news once I arrived in the recovery room.
– while the surgeon was removing the tissue, apparently she went a little too far into my lining and I now have a 2-3mm hole in my uterus. A HOLE in my uterus! NOT good for someone trying to get pregnant.
– because of this hole, they had to do an emergency laparoscopy and put me under general anesthesia (which I have never had before) to make sure no damage occurred to any other organs. Everything looks good.
– except they find endometriosis. Another diagnosis to add to my incredibly depressing infertility resume. At least I’m already doing IVF so this should not impact me.
– I am discharged around 6 hours after surgery feeling woozy, in pain, and extremely thirsty but with Vicodin in hand
– once home, I continue chugging water as instructed. Attempt to go to the bathroom. Nothing happens.
– a couple hours later I attempt again. Still nothing.
– we call the nurse and she says I should go into the ER, apparently this is somewhat common with general anesthesia. The medication causes the bladder muscle to not function.
– at the ER I expect to get a straight catheter and then be sent on my way. Wrong. I get a catheter alright…and a urine bag that I get to carry around with me. The doctors and nurses at the ER are very surprised I was discharged without having to prove I can go to the bathroom after surgery.
– the surgeon was not on call so I am instructed to call her first thing this morning so I can get rid of my annoying pee bag.
– oh yeah, I forgot to mention…the ER nurses and PA I worked with acted like I have had a catheter like this before and gave almost no instructions on how to use it. They leave the room so I can get dressed and I realize…wait a second…how am I supposed to get pants on with this? Husband can’t figure it out either. Commence nervous breakdown number three for the day. The nurse comes in and helps me out, and shows us how to switch the bag in the morning to one that straps to my leg so I will be at least a little more discreet. I ask the PA whether it’s normal to feel a slight amount of constant pinching with this, and he seriously says “I don’t know, I would assume that would be normal”. Seriously?!? He didn’t know?!?
– attempt to get some sleep for the night, but awoke at 2:30 am unable to fall back asleep due to the pain. Take 2 Vicodin, does absolutely nothing. Starting to wonder if for some reason this drug doesn’t work for me.

So here I am, at 4:50am, still unable to sleep,reflecting on one of the worst days of my life. I assume this FET will be delayed until my uterine hole has healed up, which is extremely frustrating for me. Hoping this pity party ends soon…