f you 2012

I woke up this morning with two gems in my email inbox on this lovely New Years Eve:
1. An US Weekly notification that Kim Kardashian (who is still technically married to some pro basketball player) is pregnant with Kanye West’s child. Yes I’m a loser for getting these emails, and yes the Kardashians drive me nuts as a whole so I typically avoid all TV shows and news about them, but sometimes it’s shoved in my face.
2. I got my blood tests for repeat pregnancy loss back. Everything looks like it came back normal, except I have two mutations on my MTHFR test. One copy of the C677T mutation and one copy of the A1298C mutation. Not sure what this means yet, I am waiting to hear from Dr. RE. Anyone else have this? Could this have anything to do with preterm labor like I had with the triplets?

Ugh. Good riddance 2012.

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frustrated

Well I was finally able to get the hysteroscopy scheduled to remove the remaining “products of conception”. The EARLIEST they could do was January 16!! I emailed De. RE to make sure, but I assume this is going to delay our FET because we were supposed to be growing my lining in mid January, which I assume should not be happening. I’m pretty sure I remember hearing they want your lining to be thin for this procedure.

So frustrated…. 😦

when will this end??

I had an SHG this morning to make sure everything is out of my uterus in preparation for our next transfer. Unfortunately there are still a few pieces of placenta or something sticking around which needs to be removed. So now I have to get a hysteroscopy to remove what remains. We are hoping to avoid a D&C, but there are definitely no guarantees that will happen. Dr. RE is concerned about the level of expertise of the doctors covered by my health insurance so I’m pretty nervous about getting this done. If we go out of network for this procedure it would cost $10,000 which is just not an option for us.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a little uterine clean out, huh?

back on the wagon

First of all, thanks for all of the wonderful comments and advice. It is sad that so many people have been through this experience, but it was so nice to hear how others handled it.

WARNING: there will be information below describing what my experience going through a miscarriage was like. I won’t get into too much detail, but enough so that others will know what it was like. Proceed with caution.

The last few days have been rough emotionally, but surprisingly not so bad physically. I ended up deciding to take the Misoprostol on Monday night. My expectations were for a miserable experience with lots of pain and bleeding (luckily they gave me a prescription for Vicodin). I assumed I would be passing lots of clots and blood and wouldn’t really know when the “pregnancy” came out. I was wrong.

I started feeling mild contractions about an hour after taking the medication, and within two hours was spotting. When I stood up I could actually tell I was dilated. It was a very weird feeling and brought flashbacks to when I was in labor with the triplets. I was nervous this would happen. I read that walking around would speed things up so after about four and a half hours I got up and just started pacing around the house. Then all of the sudden I felt like something was “there” and ready to come out. I just assumed it was a big clot, but was instantly taken back to the night I delivered Baby A. It felt just like that. I ran to the bathroom and it was very clear I had passed the pregnancy. I did NOT expect to know when it happened. It was very emotional. My bleeding pretty much stopped after this, with just a few very small clots. I was concerned that I was not done since there was way less bleeding and not much physical discomfort. I spoke with my doctor and she thought it would probably be best to take the second dose of Misoprostol to make sure everything was out. I took it 24 hours after the first dose and nothing happened. I went in for an ultrasound today to check on things and my uterus was empty. And right on cue, I got my period as I left the clinic.

I am relieved that things went pretty much as smoothly as they can in these situations, but the emotions are still running high. It is so hard to believe I just lost my fourth baby. It seems so cruel. People always comment on my strength, but I have no choice. I have to keep my head up and keep going. There is no where else to go but forward.

So now I have an SHG scheduled for Monday, and then a bunch of blood tests to look for clotting issues. We will be able to have our next transfer as early as the end of January, which will come quick with the holidays.

Thanks again for all of the love, you guys are amazing!

that did not go well

7 weeks, 1 day
Sadly, this baby was not meant to be. There was a gestational sac and a fetal pole, but no heartbeat. It appears that the fetal pole stopped developing between four and five weeks. This had nothing to do with my low beta numbers, because they increased as they should so that was not an indicator of this outcome according to my doctor. I am totally numb. Now we are now faced with those horrible decisions of how to let things play out. We could wait for things to happen naturally, we could take a pill to get things going, or we could get a D&C.

I am so sick of making these decisions, trying to figure out what the least of a bunch of evils is. Then I can’t help but look at the bigger picture. Even while going through something this tragic, I can’t help but look ahead and wonder how we will get through doing another FET. We keep putting off the decision of when to stop and give up. Just keep delaying having to draw a line in the sand at some point. I am scared out of my mind to do that. I just can’t give up! I can’t go into a cycle knowing it is our last chance. That pressure would kill me. But the thought of getting pregnant again, and having to wait until seven weeks to see a heartbeat all over again seems impossible right now. Not even counting all the other scary things a pregnancy will bring due to my incompetent cervix…which I have now upgraded to “incompetent reproductive system”.

I think I am going to give it a day or so to see if anything happens on its own, and if nothing happens I will take the pills. Dr. RE said it could take a month for me to pass the baby on my own, which would just be torture. 30 days of waking up and wondering “will this be the day”, constant checking for bleeding, continued pregnancy symptoms? No thank you. She also warned me that this loss will likely feel worse mentally than the triplets because of the Prednisone and hormonal withdrawal.

Once everything passes and my HCG is back to zero, my doctor will be ordering a blood clotting work up, as she considers me to be a part of the repeat loss category now. Another thing to add to my horribly depressing infertility resume. She said I just will need one month off and then we can do another transfer whenever I am ready.

So for anyone who has gone through this, did you let things happen naturally or take a pill to get things going?

not much new

There isn’t much to report here…we are just anxiously awaiting ultrasound number one next Monday. Symptoms seem to come and go, but that doesn’t overly concern me because even with the triplets my nausea was not that bad…always there a little bit, but only threw up one time and it was gone by 10 weeks. Monday can not come soon enough!

Thanks for all the positive thoughts, prayers, and comments!

our fighter

Well 48 hours after my last beta we got over double at 238! I was still nervous but my doctor is very happy. We will now just wait, impatiently, for our first ultrasound which will be around December 9. Looks like my golden birthday will be happy tomorrow after all!

17dp5dt

Well it looks like we have a fighter…my beta this morning is now up to 114. Our doctor feels “pretty good” with how things are progressing. Here is a re-cap:

11dp5dt: beta was 15.8
14dp5dt: beta was 29.2
17dp5dt: beta was 114

I will go in once more on Wednesday to make sure things are continuing to progress before we schedule our 7 week ultrasound. Please keep sending good vibes/prayers/positive thoughts our way for this to be a healthy baby!

29.2

The results are in, and we are just barely less than double our beta since Tuesday. This number is still very low so we are nervous, but at least it is going in the right direction. I will go back in on Monday for the third beta. Still feeling crampy a lot, with occasions where it is more intense…hoping it’s implantation. We were definitely surprised to get an increase….we thought for sure it would be lower because when I took an HPT yesterday the line looked lighter. Fingers crossed that we have a fighter!

this cannot be good

Thanks for all of the kind words yesterday. This is definitely worse than just having another failed cycle, it feels like torture. I’ve had cramping all day, and right now it is very uncomfortable. I feel pretty certain this is going to end badly and soon. This much cramping can’t be normal.

Tomorrow I am going to try my best to act like myself at Thanksgiving, but I think it will be fairly difficult to disguise my sadness. Such a roller coaster we have been on, and it doesn’t seem to end. I guess it will be good to get a more definitive answer on Friday, assuming the lab can get our results done around the holiday. I’m really hoping to not have to wait until Monday to know more.

Happy Thanksgiving