dreams

I have really vivid dreams – and I think the hormones for infertility and pregnancy make them even worse for me.  Sometimes it takes a while for me to even figure out whether something really happened to me or I just dreamt it.  When I was taking Clomid last year before the triplets were born I used to constantly dream about negative pregnancy tests.  Then the week I found out I was pregnant I dreamt about a positive test finally.  The night before we found out it was triplets I had a dream that there were three babies, and the week I went into pre-term labor I also had a dream about that.  Needless to say there is now a little bit of anxiety over my dreams when it comes to the subject of getting pregnant this time around.

Last month during our first cycle since losing the triplets, I had a lot of fitfull nights.  The dreams did not have anything to do with babies or pregnancy (for some reason ever since I delivered the babies those completely stopped), they were just weird and usually disturbing.  The two week wait was the worst (of course)…I kept waking up in the middle of the night with horrible nausea.  I would be so drowsy while this happened that the next morning I would always question whether I was really feeling sick or if it was a part of the dreams.  I later found out I was nauseous because of the hormones from a large ovarian cyst I still had.

The last two nights the pregnancy/baby dreams returned for the first time in 7 months.  Two nights ago I had a dream that I got a positive pregnancy test.  Last night was not so good though.  I kept having the same dream (actually nightmare) over and over, and it was that I was pregnant again but I was 25 weeks along and I went into preterm labor again.  It was so real that each time I would wake up from the dream I could swear it felt like I really was having contractions – this is just insane!  Nights like this make me really nervous for what it’s going to be like when I finally get pregnant again.  It is pretty scary to think that in the grand scheme of things, the infertility treatments are most likely going to be the less stressful part of this process for me.

Does anyone else get these crazy hormone-rage dreams?  Maybe if I start meditating more it will help my brain process things better while I am awake and keep these negative things out of my dreams each night.

our story…so far PART IV

If you have read my previous posts about our story, you will know that during this pregnancy I had dreams that seemed to tell me something that was about to happen.  I was determined to prove this wrong and hold on to my other two babies.  I was being monitored fairly frequently to get my vitals and check for signs of infection.  They would also try to listen to the babies’ heartbeats.  This was very difficult for them to do because the other two babies kept changing positions and moving around in their new found space.  They were kicking so much the nurses had a very hard time finding the heartbeats – so usually they would just eventually switch and try looking at them through ultrasound.  Babies B and C appeared to be doing well and I was hopeful that I would be in that hospital room for a long time.

Later that night my in-laws came to see us.  While we were with them I started to notice some contractions again, but they were fairly far apart.  The nurses thought it might be for the placenta for Baby A since I had not delivered that yet.  They did warn me that they were not 100% sure of this and wanted to avoid a manual exam due to the risk of infection.  Once the contractions were closer together I was moved to labor and delivery again.  The doctor on call there did a manual exam and confirmed it was not the placenta, but another baby.  I was horrified.  Baby B took a few more pushes to deliver but it was all a blur.  She was born still, they said she most likely passed away from the stress of being in the birth canal.  I was still having a lot of contractions after she was born so they told me to just continue pushing.  A few minutes later, our baby boy was delivered.  I remember being so uncomfortable – I felt battered, exhausted, and devastated.  The nurses had me hold the babies for a little bit but I quickly gave them to my husband because I was shaking so badly I thought I might drop them.

The next second things started moving very fast.  Apparently they wanted my placentas out right away so they inserted 5 pills to increase contractions (which I was still having on my own) vaginally.  This was incredibly painful. Then a nurse was pushing on my belly (I had no idea what was going on at the time) and kept telling me that I need to stop flexing my abdominal muscles.  Then another nurse came in and put an IV of pitocin on me.  At this point I was in an extraordinary amount of pain and wanted those placentas out immediately.  I finally delivered all three placentas (they were fused together so it was much more difficult to deliver).

So far I have focused only on what happened to me and the babies and I need to make sure I mention how amazing my entire family was during this horrible experience.  My husband could not have been more perfect.  He always knew exactly what I wanted, even when I was in too much pain or anguish to talk.  Our parents were so supportive and knew that the most important thing for us was that they were there with us.  Also, the doctors and nurses we worked with were so amazing.  They answered all of our questions and were so incredibly kind the entire time.

Once we were discharged and had some time to grieve, we decided we would start fertility treatments again in the spring.  Dr. MFM thinks that incompetent cervix may have been the reason I went into preterm labor so she said that it is very important that I only get pregnant with one baby and that once I am pregnant I will get a cerclage to stitch my cervix closed.

our story…so far PART III

Once we found out that all three babies were looking healthy (with the exception that Baby C had a clubfoot, but that was nothing major) and that my cervix was so long we were so relieved and thought that the worst was behind us.  I did have a fair amount of anxiety still, but it became more and more about how much we had to do before we brought home three babies and how we would handle our daily activities with them.  Due to the economy, we are stuck living in a small three level condo.  The location is amazing, but three small levels is not ideal for three babies.  I knew we were not going to be able to change our living situation anytime soon, so I tried to make up for it by organizing things to make more room for the babies.

The days between 19 and 20 weeks were pretty much the same as all days in my pregnancy.  I did notice a small increase in cramping, but I had been experiencing these cramps throughout the entire pregnancy due to how fast I was growing.  I definitely looked like a woman in her third trimester by this time, and there were visible differences in the size of my belly each week.  I started to wonder if the increase in cramping were braxton hicks contractions, and made a mental note to ask about them at my next appointment, which was scheduled for 20 weeks 3 days.  One night during this week I had a dream that I went into labor and delivered the triplets.  In my dream I was horrified because I knew they would not survive at 20 weeks.

Early the morning of September 25, 2012 I woke up to use the bathroom (at this point I was going about 4-5 times each night).  I noticed that something felt different, and “full” in my lower pelvis area and figured it was some constipation.  I went downstairs to eat a granola bar and walk around a bit to see if that made things feel a little better.  I tried going to the bathroom again and the discomfort seemed to be getting worse.  I started to realize that the pain I was feeling seemed to be coming 5 minutes apart.  I was pretty groggy since it was the middle of the night but this was enough to make me very nervous.  I manually checked the area with my fingers and felt a bulging of something soft very low in my pelvis.  The first (irrational) thought I had was “oh my good that is a babies foot and it is almost out of my body”.   I started screaming and my husband ran downstairs to help.

Luckily we live only 5 miles from our hospital so we quickly drove to the ER.  I was so confused when I got there – the guards looked and me and said “are you in labor?”  I had no idea what to say….I was supposed to start my birthing classes the next week and just felt like this couldn’t be happening.  I finally replied “I think so – its triplets and I’m only 20 weeks though”.  They rushed me upstairs and I was quickly put into a hospital gown and in a bed.  A nurse came in right away to get my information and as she was talking to me a felt a huge gush of liquid.  She confirmed it was my water breaking.  This sent me into a complete panic.  The doctor on call came in and he was amazing.  He was very calm, which was exactly what I needed at the time because I was freaking out.  He said that I will be delivering the baby but I can take as long as I want to – it would just require one push probably.  At this point the contractions were really strong and right on top of each other.  Coupled with my emotional anguish I decided it was time to just get it over with.  He asked if I wanted to hold the baby after I delivered and I said “I don’t know”.  He said very gently, “I think you should, but you don’t have to” so I decided I would.  He was right it just took one push and our sweet baby girl was born.  My parents arrived shortly after, and by some miracle our baby girl stayed alive for 45 minutes after she was born.  Long enough for all of us to hold her and watch her breathe and move.

The doctor thought there was a small chance I could avoid labor and delivery of the other two, but he said it is not likely we would be able to avoid it until it was safe for them (babies must be born at 24 weeks or later to have a chance at survival outside the womb).  They also said that if I show any signs of infection they would need to induce me to get the other babies out immediately.  I was put on a clear liquids diet and strict bedrest (not even allowed to sit up) and eventually moved up to the family care part of the hospital.